I used to be a dancer. An athlete. A runner. Now I’m a mom. My body is bruised up, it aches, my hips lock up, and bladder feels like it will fall out every time I workout. Now don’t get me confused when I am writing this post. I do love the skin I’m in. When I actually have the time to get dressed up I often feel beautiful. Yes, I don’t have my skinny Rebel Girl dance team hot college bod. I’m not that person anymore, and I am okay with that. I do love my body, but hate it at the same time.
I want to be able to RUN, but my post pregnancy hips won’t allow me. I want to hit the gym and do sit ups, but gaining and loosing 50lbs in under 15 months took one hell of a toll on my ab muscles. Will I ever get them back? It depresses me that my body physically can’t do what it used to do. I used to run 5ks in under 30 minutes, cheer for hours during a UNLV basketball game, or perform a difficult hip hop competition routine. Now my mom bod barely allows me to run a mile.
With my mom bod, I am strong in other ways I guess. Now I can lift a total of 50lbs of children in my arms carrying my kids from car to the store then back to the car all while having a heavy diaper bag slung over my shoulder. I can also push their 50lb cute butts in a 15lb double stroller but my body doesn’t allow me to run as fast as I used to or as long as I could. When I finally start to run, my hip will lock up to the point where I can’t even take one step or I will collapse. I have pushed myself to the limit during one of my tragic-hip-lock-ups and fallen over, using my running stroller to brace me from hitting the black pavement that once used to be my get away. I may sound crazy but if you’re an athlete of any sport you get it because as a competitor-we push ourselves to the max. This black pavement that used to be my friend, my cathartic outlet, has now turned into my enemy.
I feel so offended that my body, at the moment, can’t be pushed the way my athletic mind wants to. I am still suffering the battles of birthing a 9.5 oz child almost a year later. Every time I put on workout clothes (which is often) I ask myself: will I ever get my endurance and ability back? I can no longer kick my leg past my head or even do the splits- things might fall out. I know, I know I’m being hard on myself. And maybe I can get my pre-baby hot Rebel Girl, I can do anything body, back but I need help or a support system. I try to stretch, run, or dance but beat myself up when I can’t do something and then sadly give up.
I remember one time I was at the gym attempting to do my first few sit ups post pregnancy. It was an utter joke. I couldn’t even lift my shoulders off the dirty gym floor. I instantly felt defeated. I could sense the gazing eyes of all the fit people at the gym staring and laughing at me-I had to fight back tears. After collecting my thoughts and looking around-no one was really looking at me, they were all into their own workouts, it was just me judging myself- my harshest critic.
As I write this blog on my iPhone, I am pedaling on a stationary bike holding back tears of failure because as much as I want to put down my phone and pedal like the speed of lightening, my hips won’t allow me, my knees ache, and even though I just went to the bathroom I feel like I have to pee again. After every workout instead of feeling high as a kite or happy that I broke a sweat- I feel defeated like I lost a championship. I am almost a year post pregnancy and I still don’t feel “normal” again. This is something that as an onlooker probably seems strange-for me I luckily lose my pregnancy weight rather quickly. People may see me as ‘skinny’ but what they don’t see is my lack of ability and inner confidence.
Will I ever dance again? Will I ever run a 5k again? Is that all over for me now that I’m a mom? It’s something I am okay with giving up because being a mom is everything. But my athletic dancer mindset hasn’t changed and doesn’t want to let go.
Redlocks and Shamrocks 
Girl. I am there. Trust me. I used to be able to kick myself in the face and now it’s painful to even try and touch my toes with a straight back! I took a dance class postbaby and I laughed at myself because even though my brain wanted to hit the right counts, my body couldn’t get there in time. I think it’s all part of the learning process, and now I don’t dance anymore 😦 but I lift weights, do yoga, and box. My husband told me something of the lines of “you didn’t learn how to be a dance overnight, you won’t get used to your body overnight”. We’re totally in the same boat, I’m here to listen if you want to be sad and I’m here to cheer you on with every accomplishment!
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You’re the best Justine, I’m so glad blogging has allowed me to meet amazing women like you. I want to take a dance class so bad but keep talking myself out of it because I’m embarrassed. I took that ballet class with Logan on Saturday and couldn’t touch my toes…yuck!
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I feel ya. My first work out post pardom was embarrassing. I used to up in front of the class and pushed myself to the limit. I loved being up front. The first time I went back to the class I was in the way back and struggled through the entire class!! And the lack of abs, totally feel you there! Crazy how they just disappeared! Anyway, it took us a while to gain all of that strength we once had so I think one day we will get our endurance and strength back, but it will take time. It’s like we are starting from scratch!
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Seriously it is like starting from scratch! I need to start taking classes, maybe that will help me. Where do you go?
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Hey Lisa,
I can completely relate. Back when you and I were q cheerleading for high school I was 115 pounds. After four beautiful girls, I got up to 220 in weight. I was very disappointed in myself and lacked self confidence. I have just reciently made a change in my life and lost over 50 pounds. I told myself that my goal was to be able to do a toe touch again lol. Not there yet, but steady working on it. I truly value your honesty about the struggles with inner confidence. At the end of the day your beautiful person inside and out. On top of being a great mom. Great blog and thanks for sharing.
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Thanks for the love and support girl. Good for you for losing 50lbs! That’s amazing!
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I’m sorry you’re struggling. I am sure with time either things will start to get easier again, or you’ll find other activities to embrace that make you feel strong.
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oh gosh, i feel ya so bad girl!!!
xo,
Sandy
Sandy a la Mode
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I so can relate. ❤ But you're amazing and so strong for not giving up!!! ❤ ❤
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I have no tips, but you’re doing a great job by keeping at it. Its so easy to give up when you’re body doesn’t let you perform as you once did.
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Thank you for sharing..makes me feel like I’m not alone. I just had my first baby less than 6 weeks ago and should be getting cleared for full exercise tomorrow. I’m dying to get back out there but am really hung up on what I won’t be able to do vs. what I will be able to do. Also feeling really discouraged I’ll never look like the way I used to…but I’ve already lost most of the weight I gained during pregnancy, which is really motivating, so that’s what I’m going on!
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Funny thing about this is it’s all in your head. And we’ve been there!!!
It almost feels like your post baby depression hangs on thinking about your physical state.
The slef deprecating thoughts just eat you alive.
But blogging is something that actually got me through those years, I had a goal to take at least one great picture a day that show that I was really succeeding as a mother! As a person. As a successful new and improved me.
It takes time, but you’ve got to let your priorities change. All those other things that I pulled myself down into the depths of despair about it don’t really matter …. Who gives a shit if you ever wear a bikini again like you used to?!? Who cares if you can’t lift your leg up to your head??! Why would you need to do that anymore anyways unless it’s during sex, lol.
The old us has to be in the past.
Then you’ve got to make different and new you. Let that old competitor go, don’t let that make you crazy.
Learn to love you. All of you. Bring the body love back!
Years may go by and you may still pee a little when you laugh too hard. You may never do a marathon, because that may never give you satisfaction.
New you is better, stronger, more well rounded.
You are selfless, and you’ve got more important things to do than judge yourself on 30 minutes of a workout… get a jog in when you feel like it, but don’t focus on that.
My hips, knees, and tummy will always give me fits… I can’t do anything I used to. But I can do new things. Better things that make me more amazing than skinny and fit me could ever do!
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Being a mom changes so many things for us, but your right…our mindsets take a little longer to catch up sometimes to those changes. Your doing a wonderful job.
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Awe, thank for being open and sharing something so personal. I haven’t been able to do that openly on my blog. But I have a lot to say on the topic & am with you a 100%.
xoxo ❤
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oh girl, I feel you!! I just recently started working out and its literally killing me! if I work out in the morning by 5-6pm I can barely move I am so sore. I have been at it just over a month and I don’t want to stop, but at the same time I don’t want to be in pain and miserable all the time. I wish I had some advice for you!
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Awwwww cousin that’s how I feel! You so eloquently wrote what many moms feel after babies! We love you 😘
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You will be able to accomplish more than you think; just give yourself some time! Your body did miraculous things to carry and deliver that baby. And kudos to you for first of all, being brave enough to write this post and put it all out there and two, for even wanting to be fit and healthy. That’s great & I KNOW you’ll be able to do it!
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I love this post because I feel like it’s me talking. I used to dance and now there are times that running around the yard or jumping on the trampoline will get me out of breath. My left knee aches and sometimes my ankle rolls and I just want to scream at my body and tell it to just get with the program! So I hear you mama. We just have to take this one day at a time and remind ourselves that our bodies are pretty amazing even if they can’t do everything they used to.
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I started following your blog recently and I’m loving it. It seems we have a lot of mutual friends on Facebook so I’ve seen the link to your blog come up quite a bit. I think we may have had a class together at UNLV too. I was a teacher but recently resigned to stay at home with my kiddos. My daughter is almost 3 and my son is almost one and a half. I had to comment on this because I relate so well. I gave up working out for a long time because of the embarrassment I felt. I used to run all the time and when I tried running again after my first was born it wasn’t pretty. I had my second kid very quick after the first and it left my body totally depleted for a long time. Looking at me you wouldn’t think I’m unhealthy because I’m back to my pre-baby weight but most simple activities were leaving me winded and exhausted. I said enough was enough and I finally just re-joined the gym a few weeks ago and it’s been going well. I realized I couldn’t go back to doing what I used to do right away. Once I set realistic goals for myself and took it slow I’ve been feeling better than ever. So my advice is take it slow. It sounds like you had your kids close together too and it takes a long time for you to completely recover. I’ve been doing very low-impact exercises and I’m feeling really good! I think I have to give up the running because I have the same issues of things feeling like they are “falling out.” I don’t think that’s going away any time soon lol! I’ve been doing the elliptical and walking on the treadmill on an incline. I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. I hope this helps a little bit! I’ve been enjoying reading your blog very much. I’ve been thinking of starting one as well. Being a stay at home mom has its challenges and I’ve been looking for an outlet for all this creative energy I have bottled up! Do you have any advice for me?
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I’m so glad you have been reading and following my blog. I love your comment as well, this is totally how I feel-we complete relate. My goal is to try to get more active little by little to help out my body-it’s the time that’s killing me! I think as mothers we often lose our creative outlets and doing stuff for “us” starting this blog has been like taking on a second job-not gonna lie it’s ALOT of work- but I’ve met awesome Moms like you that I can relate to. It’s really helped me.
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